Local Woman Annoyed by Persistent Shadow Monster’s 8-Year Campaign to Drive Her Insane with Nonstop Updates on How Politics Is Only Getting Worse

PEORIA, IL — For the past eight years, Megan Hale, 36, has been tormented by what she describes as a “relentlessly pessimistic shadow monster” that’s taken up residence just out of her line of sight. The creature’s sole purpose? To update her on how much worse politics is getting — and how it’s not stopping anytime soon.

“It started in 2016,” Hale explained, staring wearily at her untouched tea. “I was just trying to enjoy a quiet day when this shadowy figure appeared and said, ‘Oh, you think things are bad now? Just wait.’ And he’s been following me ever since.”

Nicknamed “Mr. Gloom” by Hale, the creature apparently delights in reminding her of every depressing headline. “He pops up in the middle of my favorite TV shows to say stuff like, ‘Oh, you’re laughing now, but did you hear about the latest Supreme Court ruling?’ I can’t even eat breakfast in peace.”

Despite attempts to ignore him, Mr. Gloom has grown more creative. “The other day, he waited until I was in the shower to whisper, ‘The climate crisis is accelerating.’ I nearly slipped on the soap.”

While friends have suggested she try meditation or sage to banish the creature, Hale isn’t convinced. “Honestly, I’m starting to think he’s just reflecting reality,” she sighed. “Besides, at least he’s consistent. Better than most news outlets.”

Though fed up, Hale admits that at this point, she and Mr. Gloom have developed a strange rapport. “Sure, he’s annoying, but he’s the only one who warned me about the last election. So... silver linings, I guess.”